The Timer’s Gone Off Part II

I worry that I’ve betrayed my child by bringing him into this world without his consent. 

“I hold an atlas in my lap

Run my fingers across the expanse and whisper,

Where does it hurt? 

And it answers 

Everywhere

Everywhere

Everywhere.”

And I stare at my beautiful child and hope that I didn’t bring him here just to be broken and to break others. That I didn’t bring him here just to watch every beautiful thing fade or burn or shatter. 

That I didn’t bring him here to shatter. 

I’m scared of so much. 

But I know, I know there are so many ways to grow up brave and kind and bursting at the seams with beauty, because I get to live in this room with all of you. 

You are part of the reason my arms crave another child.

Part of the reason a graveyard of negative pregnancy tests hurt so deeply 

Part of the reason I kept trying despite the pain, kept trying despite parts of me wanting to detach from hope.

And you are part of the reason I couldn’t stop smiling on May 1st when two stripes appeared. 

Because you have reminded me that on January 2nd, when I get to hold my 2nd child in my arms, he or she or they will be entering a world more brave and beautiful because of you. 

They’ll exist. And despite the bone-deep fear, the “what kind of world are they entering” late-night worries, they’ll exist. And when I think of you, that doesn’t feel so scary. 

You are an altar upon which I lay my thank yous and my hope. 

An altar upon which I hope you lay your thank yous and your hope. 

You are beautiful and you are brave. 

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you.

*Lines 2-8 are borrowed from Warsan Shire