The Timer’s Gone Off

“I want you, I love you, I want you, I love you.”

I keep digging through the trash, hoping my pregnancy tests will change their minds and one stripe will become two. The box said to wait three minutes, but maybe my tests, like my body, need more time.

…

This morning I sat at my desk, started seeping my tea, and then grabbed my keys and drove to Smith’s. I wandered unfamiliar aisles until I found a three-pack of life forecasts. Driving back, I memorized the sky color, the temperature, the way the sun glinted off windows. I felt so lucky to be aware that a big moment was happening.

I felt so alive.

Back at the school, I took a test, set my timer for three minutes, and whispered, “I want you, I love you, I want you, I love you” until the timer went off and the single stripe told me there was no you.

I took another test.

Until today, I was only pre-sad, but not actually sad. I was preparing myself for the possibility of sadness, but I wasn’t sad.

And now I am.

It’s like my womb has grown hands and can’t stop reaching for the sky.

My skin wants to stretch.

My heart is done being this size.

“I want you, I love you, I want you, I love you, I want you, I love you, I want you, I love you-“

The timer’s gone off.

I’ll keep waiting.